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Animated Atrocities 56/Transcript
Clip from Teen Titans - "How Long is Forever?", which there will be multiple brief clips of in this review. Starfire: Why are you in disrepair? Cyborg: Let's just say things haven't gone so well since you left. The Titans...are history, Star. Your friends...aren't friends anymore. Intro and title card This one is LONG overdue. clip of "Demolition Doofus" I say that about a lot of things, but let me be clear here: I should've torn this episode apart the day that it aired. I haven't felt this insulted about an episode since Life of Brian. I am dead serious! Before now, I was just gonna let Teen Titans Go slide. I was going to allow it to be its own little Johnny Test playing Teen Titans. If they want an episode that's literally characters saying "Waffles" for 11 minutes, then that's their business. But no. The writers went somewhere that you DON'T fucking go. clip of "One Coarse Meal", with the words "They got to this level of insulting without using them." at the bottom of the screen And i'm not even talking about, like, animal abuse, or suicide, or whatever. How do I explain this? You know that interview where the show runners said that they haven't watched a single episode of Teen Titans before they started working on this trainwreck of a show? Well, either they have since then, or the writers have, because after this episode, I would honestly prefer it if that was the case! Congratulations, Teen Titans Go, you've managed to awaken a demon! Normally i'd give shows like this only one review. But Go requires two, at LEAST! This week i'll be destroying how it fails as a spinoff, and next time i'll be destroying how it fails as a comedy! With that being said, "Staring at the Future". It starts with Robin making a sirum in order to grow a mustache. When all of a sudden, Beast Boy and Cyborg barge in. This scene here actually sums up pretty much all of my problems with the series. My first problem, and this is only a minor one, mind you - for a series that only wants to focus on humor, it's surprisingly unfunny! But the second problem, and this is the one that really gets to me, is how badly they fucked up Beast Boy and Cyborg! I'll go more over this as we go on, but they've gone from multilayered characters with tons of depth, very fun-loving, but knowing when to be serious...to COMPLETE ASSHOLES! Cyborg: I BELIEVE I JUST SET THE NEW INDOOR RODEO RECORD... You know, this is supposed to be the Teen Titans...not the Toddler Titans... The other titans are a little miffed that those two destroyed the tower that Cyborg used to painstakingly take care of. Raven: We don't have a maid. Cyborg: And that is our problem...how? Look, I know that through adaptations, characters go through changes. Raven is a pegasister now instead of a goth, I don't fucking care. But no matter what, there has to be something to like about our protagonists. And I absolutely HATE Cyborg and Beast Boy in this version! Robin brings up the word "responsibility", and that makes Cyborg and Beast Boy revile in horror! from the original show Take it to the writer to punch my childhood in the balls. Like I said, Cyborg took care of the tower, and felt extremely protective of it. Beast Boy, on the other hand, took a job at a meat restaurant, in order to afford a moped that he wanted. Brief clips of "Love Loaf", with the words "If being funny is their redeeming trait, 99.99% of the time, they're complete assholes." at the bottom of the screen... Oh, by the way, future writers, when I talk about redeeming traits, never think that being funny is a redeeming trait. It very rarely is. "Cold War" And if you think the only redeeming trait about them is that they're funny, then they're probably not. Beast Boy: We have...and it's gonna be even better than the present! Because things always improve. It's hard to tell if they're trying to be insulting, or if they're just that stupid. Which is, spoilers, gonna be a constant problem throughout this episode. Cyborg: In the future, they're gonna finally eradicate that thing you keep talking about! Loaf" again Needing skill to write good stories?! They jump out of the window and head off to a pizza joint. Hold up. Is Beast Boy eating a pepperoni...pizza? PEPPERONI! In the original, Beast Boy was a vegetarian, and that made sense, because, in his own words, HE'S BEEN most of those animals! Would it hurt them to, at least keep a character sheet? Maybe do some FUCKING research! They get to the final slice of the pepperoni pizza, and it drops on the floor. So they have a staring contest to see who gets it. The staring contest lasts...30 years. Alright, what the fuck. First of all, they haven't aged a day. Second of all, they were just standing there for 30 years, with no need to eat, drink or piss. I mean, their friends didn't go looking for them? Hell, at the very least, the manager should've kicked them out during closing time! Clip of "How Long is Forever?" I mean, the original had an episode where Starfire went into the future, but she went through a wormhole, so it kinda makes sense. Wait a minute... Oh no. They're not going to! Cyborg: We gotta tell the others! Beast Boy: If they're not dead... I love it how he says that so nonchalantly. "Yeah, a few of my best friends might be dead. It's no big deal. Stuff like that just happens." They go to the Titans Tower and find...Robin. He's got a kid! Robin: Oh, just a new look. And I go by the name Nightwing now! from... Yeah, they're really going there. If you don't know what i'm talking about, Teen Titans Go is doing its take on one of the original's most known and most beautiful episodes, "How Long is Forever?". I did an Admirable Animation on that a while back. You might want to check it out! Now, with these shallow characters, they couldn't possibly get any depth. Or emotion. But let's see how they do on the comedy. Beast Boy: So you and Starfire finally tied the knot, huh? Robin: No. Me and that girl. are shown Batgirl Oh, FUCK YOU! No, seriously, fuck you to hell and back! It's like whoever wrote this episode watched the original series just to shit on it! clip of "How Long is Forever? It's like taking the original Mona Lisa and drawing DICKS all over it! I have to assume they're purposely trying to piss of fans of the original. How else could they come to writing this stuff? It's not funny, I mean, if you didn't watch the original, you couldn't get the references here. And if you did, it's incredibly insulting to just how much they get wrong! Cyborg: What's happening to you, man? You used to be so much cooler! ...Relatively speaking. from the original show ...Said the guy who used to struggle to balance out his machine in human halves, constantly feeling alienated in the world due to a past tragedy. But seriously, this is getting distracting. Why haven't Cyborg and Beast Boy aged?! Even if this show has the budget of a Twinkie, how the hell could they have not realized that they should have aged too?! Starfire has moved back to Tamaran, and she's queen now! The guards are about to attack Cyborg and Beast Boy. And this episode tricks us into thinking that there's gonna be a fight scene. Come on, Johnny fucking Test had fight scenes! They keep trying to get their friends to go to the movies instead of just going to the movies themselves. Raven apparently defeated her father and essentially became a god. But, that battle is probably boring! I'm glad that Teen Titans Go is never going to show it. clip of "How Long is Forever?" Alright, for curiosity's sake, in the original version of this episode, Starfire was flung into the future, and her absence caused her friends to drift apart, and their future to be terrible. In this show, because Cyborg and Beast Boy were catatonic for 30 years, each of their friends has the literal best possible outcome! I hope the writer didn't intend to imply that these two characters were really that terrible! Cyborg: So, you're like a celestial goddess or something? No. Too easy. Raven: What are you guys doing up here, anyway? You're not dead, are you? Well, they did stand in one place for 30 years not eating, drinking, or you know, blinking, so it's a distinct possibility. Raven: It's a big responsi... Cyborg: Don't you say that word! Don't you say that word! Beast Boy: La, la, la, la, la la, la, la, la la la la la la! Yeah, this isn't the Teen Titans. It really is the Toddler Titans. So, Cyborg and Beast Boy decide that they can't live in this world, and their friends shouldn't have to, either. Wait, what? words "Look Ma, no backgrounds!" briefly appear at the bottom of the screen. Cyborg decides to invent a time machine, change one little thing, and then everything would be different. Yes, ladies and gentlemen - our heroes, SUPERheroes, emphasis on the HEROES, are trying to destroy their friends' fulfilled lives, specifically to shirk responsibility. This isn't funny. It's not even sad. It's PATHETIC to what they think is comedic! Pure stupidity is not funny. Being an asshole is not funny. I don't even think they're trying to be funny! Cyborg: Once we get our time machine finished, we're gonna go back and fix the future so you guys don't end up like this! Hahaha! They think that making the future worse will be fixing it! It's a great subversion on...logic! Robin specifically says that he likes his life and he loves his family. Also, when Beast Boy insults him, Robin calls the other titans, which reminds me of another episode. clip of "How Long is Forever?" It's almost like this is a half-assed parody that confuses playful mocking with malicious mocking! Cyborg: You forgot, you're talking to an indoor rodeo champion! from the original show You know, it doesn't sound quite like the lines that Cyborg used to say before he overcame a terrible obstacle. It's like the voice actor is dying inside! How the fuck do you flatten an immortal, all-powerful celestial goddess? While Robin's wife shushes everyone, Beast Boy and Cyborg escape to the past. The thing they decide to change is sharing the pizza. The PEPPERONI pizza - sorry, I still can't get over that. Oh, and NOW they age. This change causes the apocalypse to break out, and the other toddler titans to have shit futures. And...now, they don't age. You know what this means, right? Since they shared that piece of pizza, they weren't sitting in that restaurant for 30 years, which means that THEY specifically caused this bad future. Yeah, they're fucking terrible characters! Irredeemable! Honestly, it feels like this episode was made specifically to trample on my childhood! Let me be very clear: they could not be more insulting to the original if they dubbed over the original animation with some half-assed attempt at humor! Brief clips of "Dreams" from the original show, with voices dubbed over... Robin: Aw, gross. You've gunk all over your face! ...and another episode... Robin: You probably want to kiss me. Don't blame you. I'm awesome. ...and "Trouble in Tokyo" Starfire: she and Robin are kissing Robin, i'm about to go catch a- Robin: It's a gift! ...I stand corrected! Ladies and gentlemen, the worst abridged series in the universe! But, we're not done yet. We've still got one more Go episode to tackle, and only one question remains. clip of "Waffles", which foreshadows the next review. DO! YOU! LIKE! WAFFLES?! "Toddler Titans" is owned by Cartoon Network. "Staring at the Future" was written by John Loy Intro by LoreweaverKnight Credits song: "Crysta - Terranigma" This video was made for review purposes and falls under Fair Use. No copyright infringement was intended by this video and it was NOT intended to be a substitute for the animation in question. Thank you for watching! Support me on patreon. Category:Animated Atrocities Category:Season 2 Category:Transcripts